Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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