my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just found a bag of teeth...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
