We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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