its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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