The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
