Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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