I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
