i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
