i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
