Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
