if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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