Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
