just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
