drunk tastebuds have low standards.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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