please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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