how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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