Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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