I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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