I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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