the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
