I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
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My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
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it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"