What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.