it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other