life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
