I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
