he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
