you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
