i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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