I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
