On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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