i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
