Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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