my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just sent this text using only my big toe
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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