One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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