I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
