Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
