is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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