She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
