Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.