a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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