I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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