I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
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When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
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A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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