I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
