my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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