I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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