Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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