Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
