One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
