I was born with a shot glass in my hand
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
