Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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