EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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