I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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