I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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