My sheets look like a crime scene.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
