my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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