She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
