oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i already hear my dad disowning me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
