Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
