textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
