Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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