I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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